


299 Days

by Katsudate



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Bittersweet Ending, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Masturbation, Self Confidence Issues, Trans Character, Trans Katsuki Yuuri, negative thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 23:23:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10707312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katsudate/pseuds/Katsudate
Summary: Admitting his flaws had never been Yuuri’s strong point. He was aware of them, sure. Painfully so. But asking for help, admitting out loud that something was wrong? That took a lot of courage, something he knew he lacked. It was something he could practice, though. All he needed was one little push.





	299 Days

**299 days**

299 days since Yuuri had his coming out. After spending the majority of his life feeling lost and unhappy to the point where he was sure it was just a part of his personality, he finally felt like he could breathe. It had been scary, exposing himself like that in all his personal and vulnerable glory. But looking back on it now he was glad he decided to tell everyone. No more secrets, no more hiding. It had taken him long enough, but from that day on he would allow himself to start _ living _ .

 

**112 days**

112 days since he met the person who’d be the one. The one who would flip his world upside down and then some, who would take his breath away and make his heart pound all at once. Sure, they had talked before, (short encounters and the occasional instagram comment), but nothing compared to actually  _ meeting _ him. Getting to know him. Finding out the types of jokes he liked, hearing his real, unapologetic laugh (oh god, his  _ laugh _ ), and observing just what angle he used to make his selfies look as good as they did. (Turns out the angle doesn’t matter much when you look as good as Viktor Nikiforov.) You know, the little things.

From the moment Yuuri had laid eyes on him that day and really, honestly saw him, he knew he wanted to know more. He was interested, to say the least. Captivated would be a better way to describe it. In a friendly way? Definitely. In a possibly romantic way? Well, a boy can dream.

 

**103 days**

103 days since their very first date.  _ Strictly _ platonic. Just two pals hanging out, going out for a drink and then going to see a movie they both just happened to want to see. No big deal, right?  _ Wrong. _

Yuuri took hours to get ready, going through outfit after outfit, (much to the amusement of his good friend Phichit). Just jeans and a shirt would be boring, right? He didn’t want to seem casual, as if he didn’t care. But he also didn’t want to come off as desperate by dressing too formally. After all, it wasn’t  _ actually _ a date. However, after finding out Viktor identified as pansexual, Yuuri couldn’t help the tiny bit of hope that he felt.

Dating had always been a struggle for him and after coming out as trans his luck hadn’t exactly improved- that, and he was just way too terrified of being rejected. He refused to dedicate the few characters his tinder profile gave him to describe himself to him being transgender, because he was  _ so much more _ than just trans. However, not mentioning it felt like he was lying, as if he was hiding a secret that would surely scare people away once they found out. He avoided people who were looking for a female partner for obvious reasons, and he was terrified of approaching anyone who was strictly looking for a male partner, because even though  _ he _ didn’t really care about anyone’s genitals (his own included), he couldn’t be sure that the other person would feel the same way. And being rejected simply because he didn’t have the right parts was not something he needed right now, or at all, really. What Yuuri needed was for someone to see past that, someone who would just like him for  _ him _ , and who didn’t care about what was in his pants.

Viktor didn’t care. Gender was just an old fashioned concept to him, confusing and restricting and  _ very _ out dated. And as they found out that day, that wasn’t the only opinion they had in common.

_ “Okay so… How do you feel about horoscopes?” Viktor asked, before taking a sip of his chai tea. Yuuri swallowed nervously. Crap. Why would Viktor ask such a thing? Did he not like horoscopes? He probably didn’t, they were lame and made up, but Yuuri couldn’t help but look for his own sign in every post he scrolled past just to see if whatever it said matched with his personality, and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t looked up his compatibility with other signs before. Viktor probably didn’t like that sort of thing. Maybe he wanted to know if Yuuri felt the same way, so they could make fun of it together? _

_ “I don’t know, I read them, sometimes... Guess that’s kind of lame, huh?” _

_ “You think so? I love horoscopes! It’s kind of silly but I’m actually really into that sort of thing?” _

_ Yuuri’s eyes widened a little with surprise before he smiled brightly, excited to find out that Viktor felt the same way. He made a mental note to look up their compatibility later. _

 

**59 Days**

59 days since their very first kiss. The tension had been through the roof, and with every moment of intense eye contact and each soft, affectionate touch, Yuuri found himself growing more desperate for that kiss. Ever since he’d come to terms with his sexuality he had no troubles expressing himself, but with Viktor, things were different. He’d been with partners before, both girls and boys, but somehow with Viktor everything felt like brand new territory.

Viktor, the first one to introduce him to others as his  _ boyfriend _ . Yuuri never realized how much he cared about terms like that until he heard Viktor using them to describe him.

Viktor, the one who truly saw him as the man he knew he was, regardless of the fact that Yuuri hadn’t even started hormones yet.

Viktor, the one who should  _ really _ be kissing him at that point, because Yuuri wanted it  _ bad _ , and he sure as hell wasn’t going to make the first move any time soon.

_ Please make the first move, please make the first move, please- _

And he did. Was it like a fairytale? Did sparks fly? Did the clouds break open for a heavenly light to shine through as angels sang and flowers bloomed? No. But  _ fuck _ , Viktor pulled back and looked at him, sharing a conversation through eye contact only, and they _ laughed _ . They laughed for a good minute or two, because  _ Yeah _ ,  _ that just happened _ .

They ended up sharing many more kisses that night, and many following nights.

They shared thoughts, past experiences, fantasies. They shared fears and insecurities, but also boasted about their trademarks and how past partners had praised them for certain  _ skills _ . Most of it was teasing, getting to know one another through playful conversations. And though their lazy afternoon cuddles did escalate into something a little more heated every now and then, they’d never gone past making out whilst shirtless, with Yuuri of course keeping his binder on and Viktor making sure to avoid touching him in any way that could possibly make him feel uncomfortable. 

  
The amount of times “is this okay?” sounded out of both of their mouths could have been enough to drive someone crazy, but for Yuuri it felt right. Viktor respected him, and he respected Viktor. Communication was something they both valued, so when it was Yuuri who suggested they’d take things to the next level, Viktor made sure he understood exactly what it was Yuuri wanted to do that night. 

  
_ “I… I want to try touching myself.” _ __  
  
__ Yuuri had no idea what Viktor’s reaction would be, partially because he had no idea how anyone should respond to a suggestion like that, but mostly because he had his head pressed so far into his pillow that he wasn’t sure if Viktor had heard him in the first place. 

_ He didn’t want to repeat himself. He really didn’t want to repeat himself. It was embarrassing enough as it was, having to admit that he’d been turned on to what was pretty much the point of no return. He knew he wouldn’t be alright with Viktor touching him- not yet at least. But he also knew that, with the way they’d been kissing and grinding against one another, he couldn’t just roll to the other side of the bed and call it a night. And insecurities or not, Yuuri was a sexual being. He wanted this, and if Viktor would be willing to guide him through it, he was confident that it would work. _

_ When Viktor didn’t reply, Yuuri sat up a little and looked at him, cheeks flushed bright pink and hair still messy from when Viktor had been running his fingers through it. And just when he thought he would have to embarrass himself further by repeating himself, Viktor smiled and replied,  “Okay.”  _

_ “Okay?” Yuuri repeated, a little unsure. Viktor nodded, taking his hand and looking at him, eyes filled with curiosity and- was that surprise, he spotted? _ __  
_  
_ __ “Yeah, okay.” Viktor said softly. “How do you want to go about this?” 

_ The younger boy blushed, smiling a shy smile in return and sitting up, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them in a protective embrace.  _

_ “I was thinking… Maybe I could just, you know… Touch myself, because I do kind of… want relief.” He muttered the last part before continuing. “And you could just… hold me?” _

_ It felt like the stupidest thing he could ask for, and there were so many reasons for Viktor to not be okay with this. It was weird, it was unusual, and not something Viktor mentioned he’d done before. Still, Yuuri hoped he’d find it interesting enough to at least give it a try.  _

_ He’d suggested the idea before, hypothetically, because this wasn’t the first time it had crossed his mind. He’d read about mutual masturbation before, and honestly it sounded pretty hot? It seemed intimate, vulnerable but also empowering somehow, and Yuuri knew that if there was any way he’d be comfortable getting off at this point, this would be it. Besides solo play obviously, but where’s the fun in that when he had Viktor right here next to him? He longed for him. He needed him, and this was the closest they were gonna get right now.  _

__  
_ “Alright.” Viktor said, the same calm smile never leaving his face. “C’mere.” He gestured for Yuuri to come closer and Yuuri happily complied. “Above the blankets, or under?”  _ __  
__  
_ “Above. I’ll keep my pants on.” Yuuri murmured. Viktor didn’t argue.  _ __  
__  
_ “Alright. Do you want to use a toy, or?”  _ __  
__  
_ “N-no, I think I can manage without.”  _ __  
__  
_ “Whatever you feel will be most comfortable.” _ __  
__  
_ So thoughtful, always so thoughtful. Yuuri smiled, softly kissing Viktor’s lips before he got comfortable on his back. Viktor leaned over him, keeping himself up by resting on his arm which he’d placed next to Yuuri’s shoulder, his other hand moving in soft patterns from the younger boy’s neck to his side and back up. They kissed, slow and sweet. And when Yuuri felt like Viktor was focused enough on kissing him to not notice, he slipped his hand down and under the layers of his own pants and boxershorts.  _ __  
_  
_ __ Yuuri had never been one to make a lot of noise, so the small gasp that left his lips was just about the only sign his partner would be getting to let him know he’d started. His movements were slow, hesitant, like he was getting familiar with his body again for the first time. It had been a while since he’d last touched himself there with his hand. He usually preferred using toys, but he felt way too exposed already. To open up his bedside drawer and show Viktor his small collection of toys to choose from would be a little much. His hand would have to do. He could do this. 

_ “What can I do for you, Yuuri? Tell me what to do.” Viktor spoke softly in between kisses. _

_ “Just don’t leave.” the words had left Yuuri’s mouth before he realized what he’d said, and he immediately felt stupid for requesting something like that. But Viktor pressed a soft kiss to his forehead and smiled a knowing smile. _

**“I’m not going anywhere.”**

_ Viktor was absolutely wonderful, dividing his attention equally between Yuuri’s mouth, neck and the tiny bit of stomach exposed where his binder had started to slide. He kissed, stroked, tickled and kneaded away, providing Yuuri’s senses with plenty of feelings to try and keep up with. _

_ Usually when Yuuri was alone and he felt hot and bothered like this after one suggestive message too many, he could focus and just get the job done, quick and effective, like he was doing a chore. Right now though, he had Viktor. Viktor’s smooth lips kissing at his neck. Viktor’s fingers gently caressing his sides and sensitive stomach. He’d imagined it before, but now that it was happening, he couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. He felt anxious. This was really happening. He was seriously touching himself right now, and Viktor was right there next to him, and he should be feeling ecstatic, so why wasn’t he? _

_ Focus, Yuuri. Get the job done. You’re making him wait. _

_ Yuuri bit down on his lower lip, moving his fingers in a different way to hopefully get a better angle. He just had to stop thinking and get into the zone, whatever that meant. _

_ “You are beautiful.” _

_ A soft moan escaped Yuuri’s mouth at those words. He kept his eyes closed, but he knew Viktor was looking at him, probably noticing the frown he must’ve had on his face from thinking too hard.  _

_ “You’re doing great.”  _

_ Another compliment, and- ah. It clicked. It hadn’t taken Viktor very long to find out about the way praise would make Yuuri go weak at the knees, so to speak. He must’ve remembered that now, and he was trying to incorporate his knowledge, using it to make sure his partner felt good. _

_ Yuuri appreciated it. He appreciated how much Viktor had done, and how hard he was trying now to make this moment as enjoyable as possible just for him. However, if Viktor felt like he had to rely on Yuuri’s so called ‘praise kink’ to get the job done, he had to be getting impatient. _

_ Another wave of worries washed over him. He was taking too long. He was taking too long and it was making Viktor uncomfortable and it would make everything awkward and weird and it would ruin this moment and then Viktor would never agree to trying it the other way around, or trying anything like this ever again. He was ruining it. Viktor had agreed to help him and now Yuuri was messing it up, wasting his time. He had to do something. _

_ “Ah- I… I think I may have to use a toy after all.” he stumbled. Viktor looked at him and nodded, his face showing no signs of discomfort. Yuuri knew better.  _

_ “Okay.” the older male said. “Go get whatever you need.”  _

_ The toy Yuuri ended up picking was one he was particularly embarrassed about owning, but also the one that felt the best. And since he was getting a little desperate at this point, he was going to need the best he could get his hands on right now. He took the silicone toy and hid it behind himself, so Viktor wouldn’t see it just yet. He was beyond embarrassed that he even needed it, and for the first time ever he was extremely dissatisfied with the fact that he wasn’t born with the type of body he’d feel comfortable with. Sure he’d thought about how it would’ve been easier if he could’ve just been born a boy, biologically. But bottom dysphoria? That wasn’t something he suffered from, luckily. _

_ He wasn’t going to let his body stop him, and as long as he didn’t care about his genitals, and his partner didn’t care, then there should be no problem with him never getting bottom surgery at all. So he gathered whatever courage he had built up, told Viktor to please not laugh, and showed him the toy. As he did he immediately gave Viktor permission to laugh, because who wouldn’t laugh? He didn’t want to make Viktor feel bad for laughing, that wouldn’t be fair. _

_ Viktor laughed, but quickly apologized. Yuuri laughed, too. After all, it was ridiculous that he needed this thing in the first place. Guys should be able to get off without anything like this. The fact that it was hot-pink probably didn’t help, either. _

_ “Can you… Spoon me, maybe?” Yuuri suggested. Maybe a little more privacy was what he needed. With Viktor behind him, maybe he wouldn’t feel as much pressure? Viktor moved right away to get into the position Yuuri suggested, and Yuuri couldn’t help but feel grateful. He was being so nice, so considerate. It wouldn’t be fair to make him keep this up much longer. _

_ Yuuri grabbed for a blanket and covered both of them with it, all the way up to their waist. He wouldn’t be able to the toy with his pants on, and he didn’t feel comfortable showing his junk or his butt, so the blanket would have to do. Besides, if he moved the toy just right in his hand, it would move up the blanket in a way that sort of made it look like he was actually jerking off, which would help. And so Yuuri pushed down his own pants and boxershorts, pressed the toy up against himself and started moving his hand in a way he knew felt the best. _

_ It still didn’t feel right. Soon enough he rolled around to face Viktor, craving more physical contact and more affectionate confirmations. He wanted to kiss him, but most of all he wanted to look at him and check to see if he was bored yet. Viktor was passionate as always, enthusiastically moving his hands over Yuuri’s back and shoulders, kissing him, even moaning softly to encourage his flustered partner. _

_ But it seemed wrong. _

_ Yuuri circled the toy up against the most sensitive spot, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he tried to focus on feeling good.  _

_ But it felt wrong.  _

_ He desperately moved his hand, grabbing at Viktor’s hair and pulling slightly as if somehow kissing him deeper would do the trick. He needed more, more of something, more of anything- why wasn’t it feeling good?! _ __  
_  
_ __ That’s when he moved his hand down and with a small whine slipping past his lips, he pressed the toy inside.

_ Filthy. Disgusting.  _ **_Wrong._ **

_ He pulled away from the kiss and hid his face in Viktor’s neck, pulling the toy out again and moving it back up to continue just pressing it against himself. He didn’t want to be penetrated, not like that. That’s what made girls feel good, and he wasn’t a girl, so he shouldn’t do that.  _

_ It was wrong.  _

_ It was wrong. _

**_It was wrong._ **

_ "I can’t… I can’t do it.” _

_ Something was wrong with him, and he couldn’t function properly because of it. He couldn’t even lean back and take in all the attention Viktor had been generously spoiling him with because he was too far lost in his own mind to enjoy any of it. He was wasting Viktor’s time. Fuck, Viktor probably even thought that it was  _ **_because of him_ ** _ that Yuuri couldn’t finish. Yuuri hated himself for it. Truly, from the bottom of his heart, he hated himself.  _

_  
_ _ Yuuri had no idea when Viktor’s soft touches had stopped, but he did feel it when he softly cupped his cheek and wiped away a tear that had somehow managed to escape. When he realized that he was crying, he gave up. This was it. He’d ruined it.  _

_ “Hey… You’re okay.” _

_ Viktor’s voice was soft, and his words were kind as he tried to comfort his lover. Yuuri just laid there, not moving. His body went limp as he gave in to his sadness and he felt himself drowning in his own mind. _

**_Worthless. Weak. Disgusting._ **

_ “I’m right here, you’re okay.”  _

**_Hopeless. Pathetic. Ridiculous._ **

_ “I’m here, love. I’m not going anywhere.” _

_ Yuuri was sobbing at that point. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried like that.  _ **_Really_ ** _ cried. Not just movie ending tears, or sad news article tears. Honest to god tears about his own, gut wrenching misery that until just moments ago he was sure he would never experience, ever. And yet here he was, feeling the weakest he’d ever felt, naked from the waist down, sobbing against Viktor’s chest. And Viktor was holding him. _

_ “It doesn’t matter.” Viktor murmured. “It doesn’t matter.” _

_ The reasonable part of Yuuri knew what he was trying to say. It didn’t matter to Viktor that Yuuri was crying. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t do it. It didn’t matter what body parts he had. Not to Viktor. And it never mattered to Yuuri himself before, but for some reason it did now. His stubborn part wanted to fight Viktor’s statement, because of course it mattered! _

__  
_ “I just- I didn’t think it would bother me like this?” Yuuri said, voice breaking. “It never has!”  _ __  
__  
_ “Shh, it’s alright. Don’t worry about it. You’re okay, You’re gonna be okay.”  _ __  
__  
_ Still so considerate. How was it possible for a person to be this nice? Yuuri huffed, annoyed with himself. He wiggled away from Viktor, face red both from embarrassment and from crying, and he put the toy aside. He had the mind to take a baby wipe and wipe it down, using another wipe to scrub at his hands with more force than was probably necessary, before he turned around to face Viktor again. _ __  
_  
_ __ Viktor, who had his arms open in an invitation for Yuuri to come back to him for more cuddles.

_ Viktor, who softly stroked Yuuri’s hair as he allowed himself to fall back into lover’s arms, hiding away as more tears started to flow. _

_ Viktor, who, no matter how hard Yuuri’s mind tried to convince him otherwise; kept his word.  _ _  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular story is very close to my heart, and I would appreciate it if you'd share your thoughts with me after reading this. Anon comments are open for this reason! 
> 
> Also I would like to point out that I kept the ending sort of open on purpose, because it isn't the end. There might be more chapters, I'm not sure yet. But for Viktor and Yuuri's story, it's not the end. Yuuri's situation can't be resolved with calming words and a pat on the back, this is something that both Viktor and Yuuri will be dealing with for a long time, but that is alright. That's the message I was going for with this; it's okay not to be okay. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, drink some water, take care of yourself, have a good day/night!


End file.
